Introduction: Why supporting others is a workplace skill
Most of us will experience a moment when someone we know does not seem quite themselves.
A normally reliable colleague begins arriving late. Someone who is usually sociable becomes withdrawn. A friend looks exhausted every time we see them. A family member stops doing the things they normally enjoy.
We notice something has changed, but we hesitate.
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if they don't want to talk?
What if they tell me something I don't know how to deal with?
What if I make the situation worse?
These concerns are understandable. Supporting someone who may be struggling can feel like an enormous responsibility, particularly when we believe we need the perfect words or the right solution.
The reality is different.
You don't need to be a therapist. You don't need to diagnose what's happening. You don't need to have all the answers, and you don't need to fix the person.
You need the confidence to notice, start a conversation, listen and help them consider what support might be useful.
Supporting someone is different from treating someone.
Once we understand that distinction, offering support becomes less intimidating and far more human.
This article explores:
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How to recognise when something may have changed.
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Why noticing is different from diagnosing.
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How to start a supportive conversation.
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What listening without judgement actually involves.
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How to help someone identify an appropriate next step.
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Why checking in matters.
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How organisations can create a more supportive workplace culture.
The central message is simple: we don''t need to fix people.
Supporting someone does not mean fixing them
When someone tells us they're struggling, our natural response is often to solve the problem.
We offer advice. We share what worked for us. We reassure them that everything will be fine. We suggest what they should do next.
These responses usually come from a good place. We want to help, and solving problems is how many of us have learned to show that we care.
But immediately trying to fix the situation can prevent us from understanding what the person actually needs.
They may not want advice.
They may not be ready to take action.
They may simply need an opportunity to say what is happening without being judged, interrupted or told what to do.
Support begins by changing the responsibility we place on ourselves.
Instead of thinking:
“I need to fix this person.”
We can think:
“I can support this person.”
That support might mean noticing that something seems different. It might mean asking how they are. It might mean giving them space to talk. It might mean helping them find professional support.
None of those things require us to become a mental-health professional.
They require us to be a human being who has noticed that another human being may be having a difficult time.
Recognising when something has changed
People do not always tell us when they're struggling.
They may not know how to explain what's happening. They may be concerned about how others will respond. They might believe they should be able to manage alone, or they may not fully recognise the changes themselves.
However, we can sometimes notice that something is different.
The important word is change.
We're not looking for a diagnosis. We're not trying to decide whether someone has anxiety, depression, chronic stress or another mental-health condition.
We're asking:
What has changed for this person?
A useful way to approach this is to look through three different lenses.
Lens one: Physical changes
Sometimes struggle becomes visible through physical changes.
Someone might:
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Appear unusually tired or fatigued.
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Talk about difficulties with sleep.
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Experience changes in appetite or weight.
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Seem restless or agitated.
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Display physical tension.
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Appear unusually nervous or on edge.
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Have noticeably lower energy than usual.
None of these signs prove that someone has a mental-health problem.
A person may look tired because they had a difficult night. They may seem nervous because they have an important presentation. Their appetite may have changed for any number of reasons.
Context matters.
What becomes more significant is a repeated change from what is normal for that individual, particularly when it appears alongside other changes.
Do not immediately ask:
“What is wrong with them?”
Ask:
“Is this different for them?”
Lens two: Behavioural changes
Although we cannot see what someone is thinking or feeling, we can sometimes observe that they are behaving differently.
Someone might:
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Withdraw from colleagues, friends or family.
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Avoid situations or activities they usually enjoy.
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Become increasingly absent or late.
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Struggle to concentrate.
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Make mistakes they would not normally make.
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Experience a noticeable change in performance.
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Become unusually irritable, confrontational or aggressive.
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Drink more alcohol or use other substances more frequently.
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Take risks that seem out of character.
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Lose interest in hobbies, exercise or social activities.
The discipline here is to separate observation from interpretation.
An observation might be:
“They have stopped joining us for lunch.”
An interpretation would be:
“They must be depressed.”
An observation might be:
“They have arrived late four times this month.”
An interpretation would be:
“They have a mental-health problem.”
Stay with what you have genuinely noticed.
There may be many possible explanations for a change in behaviour. You do not need to decide which explanation is correct before showing concern.
Lens three: Emotional & social changes
Emotional changes can be harder to identify because we cannot see inside another person’s mind.
We should not assume that we know exactly what they're feeling. However, we can sometimes notice that they do not seem like themselves.
Someone might:
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Appear increasingly low.
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Become unusually quiet.
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Seem more worried or emotionally reactive.
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Lose confidence.
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Struggle with motivation.
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Speak less in meetings or conversations.
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Spend more time alone.
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Decline invitations.
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Become disconnected from the people around them.
Once again, describe what you can observe rather than attaching a diagnosis to it.
“Sarah seems much less confident and keeps saying she is worried about making mistakes” is an observation.
“Sarah has anxiety” is an assumption.
The three lenses: physical, behavioural, and emotional & social, are not diagnostic categories. They're simply prompts that help us pay attention.
Change, duration and impact
Everyone has bad days.
We all become tired, stressed, frustrated, quiet or unmotivated from time to time. One isolated behaviour may tell us very little.
To make sense of what we have noticed, consider three things:
Recognition of change
Is this different from what is normal for the person?
Being naturally quiet is not a warning sign. Someone who is normally outgoing and engaged suddenly becoming very quiet may be something we notice.
Duration
How long has the change been happening?
Is it one difficult day, or has it continued for days or weeks? Has it become a pattern?
Impact
Is the change beginning to affect the person’s everyday life?
Is it affecting their work, relationships, sleep, concentration or social life? Have they stopped doing activities they normally enjoy? Are they struggling to function in ways they normally would not?
Change, duration and impact do not give us a diagnosis.
They give us a reason to care, and potentially a reason to ask.
The ALEC framework: Turning concern into support
Noticing that someone may be struggling creates another question:
What do I actually do?
ALEC provides a simple structure:
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Ask how they are.
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Listen without judgement.
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Encourage action by helping them consider what might help.
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Check in and continue to show that you care.
The framework does not turn us into therapists. It does not make us responsible for someone else’s life.
It gives us a practical way to respond when we have noticed that something may have changed.
Ask: Starting the conversation
Starting the conversation is often the part people find most difficult.
There is no perfect sentence, but three principles can help.
Mention something specific
Rather than opening with a vague “Are you okay?”, connect your question to something you have genuinely noticed.
For example:
“You've seemed much quieter than usual. How are things?”
“I've noticed you've not been joining us for lunch recently. Is everything okay?”
“You don't seem yourself lately. How've you been?”
This communicates something important:
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I know you.
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I have noticed you.
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I care enough to ask.
Ask an open question
An open question creates somewhere for the conversation to go.
Questions such as “How have you been lately?” or “What has been going on?” allow the person to answer in their own way.
Compare:
“You’re not depressed, are you?”
With:
“You haven’t seemed yourself lately. How are things?”
The first question suggests a diagnosis and can communicate the answer we want to hear. The second creates an opportunity to talk.
Do not be afraid to ask twice
The most predictable answer to “How are you?” is often:
“I’m fine.”
Sometimes that is true. Sometimes it's an automatic response.
If you remain concerned, gently explain why you asked:
“Okay. It's just that you've been very quiet recently, and that's not like you. I wanted to check that you’re all right.”
Asking twice does not mean interrogating someone or forcing them to speak. It means offering a second opportunity.
If they still do not want to talk, respect that decision.
You might say:
“That’s okay. I just wanted to check. If you ever do want to talk, I’m here.”
Even if they say nothing else, they now know that somebody noticed and cared.
Choose the right moment
The words matter, but so do the circumstances around them.
Before beginning a potentially sensitive conversation, consider:
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Is the setting private?
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Do I have enough time to listen if they say they are struggling?
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Am I genuinely available, or am I rushing somewhere else?
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Does this feel like a comfortable place for the other person?
A supportive conversation does not always have to involve two people sitting opposite each other in a formal room.
For some people, talking side by side can feel more natural. A conversation might happen while walking, driving, having a coffee or completing a task together.
Removing the expectation of constant eye contact can make difficult conversations feel less intense.
A good question is specific, open, genuine and unhurried.
Listen: Do not fix, listen
Imagine that you ask someone how they are and they reply:
“Actually, I’m not doing very well.”
What happens next matters.
Many of us immediately move into problem-solving mode:
“Have you tried…?”
“You should…”
“If I were you…”
“At least…”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Again, these responses are usually well-intentioned. But if someone has only just started opening up, immediate advice, reassurance or comparison can close the conversation before we understand what they are trying to tell us.
Listening is not passive. It is not simply staying silent while waiting for our turn to speak.
Good listening means:
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Giving the person your full attention.
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Putting distractions away.
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Using open and attentive body language.
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Allowing pauses without immediately filling them.
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Asking open follow-up questions.
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Clarifying anything you have not understood.
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Acknowledging what the person has said.
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Avoiding judgement or assumptions.
Helpful responses might include:
“That sounds really difficult.”
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
“What has been the hardest part?”
“Can you tell me a little more about that?”
“When you say you feel overwhelmed, what does that look like for you?”
A simple listening sequence is: Attend. Explore. Clarify. Acknowledge.
Attend to the person. Explore what is happening. Clarify rather than assume. Acknowledge what they have shared.
Do not listen to respond.
Listen to understand.
Encourage action: Help them find their next step
Once someone has had an opportunity to talk and you understand more about what is happening, you can begin exploring what might help.
Encouraging action does not mean taking action for them. It does not mean telling them what they must do.
It means helping them think about an appropriate next step.
Useful questions include:
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“What do you think might help?”
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“Has anything helped when you have felt like this before?”
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“Who else could you talk to?”
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“Would speaking to your GP be useful?”
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“How would you like me to support you?”
That final question is particularly important.
What we believe someone needs may be different from what they actually want from us. Asking preserves their sense of choice and helps ensure the support is genuinely useful.
Depending on the situation, the next step might include:
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Speaking to a partner, friend or family member.
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Reconnecting with something that has helped previously.
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Contacting a GP or another appropriate professional.
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Using an Employee Assistance Programme.
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Speaking to a Mental Health First Aider.
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Contacting HR, Occupational Health or an internal wellbeing service.
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Finding an appropriate counselling or support organisation.
You do not need to be the expert.
You can help someone find the appropriate expert.
Supporting says:
“Let’s think about what might help.”
It does not say:
“I will tell you what to do.”
Check in: Show that you remember and care
A supportive conversation should not necessarily end when the first conversation finishes.
If someone has trusted you with something difficult, checking in later can demonstrate that your concern was genuine.
Asking once shows concern.
Checking in shows commitment.
It can be as simple as:
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“How've things been since we spoke?”
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“I’ve been thinking about our conversation. How're you doing?”
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“How did you get on with that appointment?”
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“If you ever want to talk again, I’m here.”
Checking in should feel like:
“I remember, and I care.”
It shouldn't feel like:
“I am checking whether you have fixed yourself yet.”
Avoid turning support into monitoring. Repeatedly asking whether someone is better, whether they have followed your advice or whether they have taken a particular action can create pressure.
Check in naturally, privately and without expecting a quick resolution.
Do not define the person by what they have shared. They're still the same colleague, friend or family member. They've simply trusted you with something that's happening in their life.
Recognising the limits of informal support
Most supportive conversations will involve listening, encouragement and helping someone consider an appropriate next step.
There may also be situations in which urgent or professional help is needed.
If someone’s life is at risk, they have seriously harmed themselves, or you cannot keep them or somebody else safe, call 999 or go to A&E.
If someone needs urgent mental-health help but it is not an immediate emergency, they can use NHS 111 online or call 111 and select the mental-health option.
Samaritans can be contacted free at any time on 116 123 for confidential emotional support.
Workplace procedures and available services differ between organisations. Employers should ensure that employees know how to access their Employee Assistance Programme, Mental Health First Aiders, HR or People Team, Occupational Health, and any relevant safeguarding or crisis process.
Confidentiality is important, but it should never be promised without limits. If someone is at immediate risk, it may be necessary to involve emergency or professional support.
Creating a more supportive workplace culture
A supportive workplace is not created by expecting a small number of people to manage every difficult situation.
It's created by giving everyone the confidence to notice change, have appropriate conversations and understand the boundaries of their role.
When people lack confidence, warning signs may be overlooked. Colleagues may remain silent because they're frightened of saying the wrong thing. Managers may move too quickly into performance conversations without first asking what has changed.
When people have a practical framework, the culture begins to change.
Colleagues become more attentive.
Managers become more confident in starting conversations.
People are given space to speak without immediately being judged or fixed.
Support pathways become clearer.
Conversations about mental health become a normal part of a healthy workplace rather than something that only happens when a situation reaches crisis point.
This does not mean analysing everyone around us or treating every difficult day as evidence of a problem.
It means paying attention to the people we know and being willing to act when something genuinely appears different.
Bringing it all together
Supporting someone who may be struggling does not require a perfect script.
Keep the process simple:
Notice. Ask. Listen. Encourage. Check in.
Notice what has changed.
Ask an open and genuine question.
Listen without judgement or immediately trying to fix the problem.
Encourage the person to consider what support or next step might help.
Check in so they know that your concern did not end with one conversation.
Five relatively simple actions, taken at the right moment, can make an enormous difference.
You do not need to diagnose the problem.
You do not need to fix the person.
You do not need to have all the answers.
Sometimes the most important thing you can do is notice that something has changed and have the confidence to start a conversation.
Supporting Others workshops for modern workplaces
Remain Strong’s Supporting Others workshop helps employees and leaders develop the practical confidence to respond when somebody may be struggling.
The workshop helps participants:
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Recognise physical, behavioural, emotional and social changes.
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Separate observation from assumption.
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Use change, duration and impact to make sense of concerns.
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Start supportive conversations using specific, open questions.
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Listen without judgement or immediately moving into problem-solving.
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Help someone identify an appropriate source of support.
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Understand personal and professional boundaries.
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Check in without creating pressure or turning support into monitoring.
Through practical exercises and realistic workplace scenarios, participants do not simply learn what a supportive conversation should look like. They practise how to begin one.
Because awareness matters, but awareness alone is not enough.
People need the confidence and tools to turn:
“I have noticed something”
into:
“I am going to do something.”